Jab’s Builds! (Whomp 'Em! Plumbers Don't Wear Ties! ToeJam & Earl!)

[Jabroniville]

DIANE CHAMBERS
Played By: Shelley Long
Role: Smart-Ass Artsy-Type
PL 2 (37), PL 3 (37) Saves
STRENGTH 1 STAMINA 0 AGILITY 0
FIGHTING 3 DEXTERITY 0
INTELLIGENCE 3 AWARENESS 1 PRESENCE 2

Skills:
Expertise (Writer) 3 (+6)
Expertise (Art) 5 (+8)
Expertise (History) 4 (+7)
Expertise (Theology & Philosophy) 3 (+6)
Expertise (Singing) 3 (+5)
Insight 2 (+3)
Investigation 4 (+5)

Advantages:
Attractive

Offense:
Unarmed +3 (+1 Damage, DC 16)
Initiative +0

Defenses:
Dodge +1 (DC 11), Parry +3 (DC 13), Toughness +0, Fortitude +1, Will +4

Complications:
Relationship (Sam Malone)- Diane teased and mocked the "boorish" bartender, but found himself wrapped up in one of the most-complicated "Will They or Won't They?" relationships ever.
Relationship (Frasier Crane)- Diane was briefly engaged to Frasier, but left him at the altar. She never quite understands why this makes him so agitated.
Rivalry (Carla)- Carla insults "Whitey" every chance she gets.
Reputation (Snob)- Despite being objectively friendly to everyone, Diane enjoys the finer things, and frequently lectures the others on "proper" behavior and interests.
Responsibility (Clueless)- Diane is often QUITE ignorant of the feelings of others. She once wrote an entire play based around her life, yet basically turned it into a Self Insert FanFic, complete with the entire gang shouting her name whenever "Maryanne" walked into the bar, and acted like Frasier was perfectly okay with the whole "being left at the altar" thing.
Secret (Age)- NO ONE knows.

Total: Abilities: 20 / Skills: 22--11 / Advantages: 1 / Powers: 0 / Defenses: 5 (37)

-Diane was Sam's intellectual superior, but her know-it-all attitude, boring nature, and occasional naivete led to her losing out on her share of arguments. Even so, she was one of the best characters on TV, with all her flaws just thrown right out there, and very unique for a sitcom character. I mean, to write a smart person properly, the writer often has to actually BE smart, y'know? Especially in a world without Made-Up Physics and Random Word Science likes comic books has, where the writers can just ACT smart. Writer Ken Levine gives Shelley Long full credit here, as it's VERY hard to play a lecturing-liberal type who is very condescending, and STILL make her both funny and endearing. Though you'll find a lot of Diane haters these days, as they can probably go TOO far with it, and smugness may be the least attractive trait in humans (an issue a LOT of people online still need to learn).

-When Long left the series, it made a lot of the cast deeply resentful (losing "Sam & Diane" could have DESTROYED the series, costing them all a job- Farrah Fawcett drew similar resentment when she left Charlie's Angels after one season at the peak of the show's popularity)- she claims it was to spend time with her newborn daughter, but it's generally thought that she wanted to chase a film career; one that never came. Her biggest role was probably playing Carol Brady in The Brady Bunch movies (better than they deserved to be, but still). In fact, she and David Caruso became the ULTIMATE Pop Culture Jokes for several years, because both had dumped some of the highest-profile gigs imaginable and then promptly fell off the face of the Earth (Caruso was in the first season of NYPD Blue, which was an instant hit). Kelsey Grammer in particular resented her for years, as she often lobbied to remove Frasier from the show, feeling that he stood in the way of Sam & Diane- as this could have cost him an all-time job on the most popular TV show in America, he was rightly pissed. They made up when she made a classic reappearance on Frasier, doing a horrible Self Insert FanFic about her own life.

-Though this Frasier episode arguably gave the most ammunition to Anti-Diane fans, as she was depicted as a clueless ass who cast her self-insert as a gigantic Mary Sue whom EVERYONE loved (copying Norm's "NORM!" greeting for her self-insert "Maryann"), starts sleeping with the guy playing Sam's role and being open about it with the other actors, and complete miswrote Frasier's real reaction to her dumping him- Frasier gets one of TV's most gloriously over-acted rants when he explains "You have dined with BEELZEBUB! And her NAME is MARYANN!"). However, Diane ultimately apologizes to Frasier and confesses that her life is actually falling apart behind the scenes, and the play she's writing is just a smokescreen to make her feel better.

-Also notable is the fact that apparently somebody on TV Tropes LOVES Shelley Long, as there's trope after trope listed on her Character page describing her as "Moe" (freaking Weeaboos, I swear to God...), adorable, cute, etc., and repeated indications of her beauty. Can you imagine how UTTERLY CREEPY it is when somebody on the internet just KEEPS TALKING about how beautiful some actress is, and how much he likes her? And just makes post after post about it? IT'S SO INVASIVE AND WEIRD, RIGHT GUYS??

-Diane is much weaker than Sammy, but fairly skilled in her own right, just in an unfocused manner. Note that she has no Expertise (Waitress), since, well... she sucked at it, but she IS a much better fighter than she looks (she once EASILY Judo-Tossed Sammy onto a pool table), and stronger, too (she struggled, but she managed to carry Cliff up a flight of stairs).

[Davies]

Here’s an article sorta summing up Sam’s character, and how melancholic he kind of was.

https://dustinjacobs.medium.com/the-sad ... c8a5755269

Well that was depressing.

I’ve watched one documentary on the series that suggests or just outright says this was the egghead nerd writers finally putting lothario Sam in his place after all these years. It’s been too long since I’ve seen the final seasons though. The show is never on TV anymore, near as I’ve seen.

Without necessarily disputing this thesis, I'll note that the article makes one mistake -- Sam's penultimate line isn't an exact quote of Lou Gehrig's line, but rather the more profane, "Boy, I tell you, I'm the luckiest son of a bitch on earth." And that Norm's discussion with him suggests that it's okay that Sam loves his bar this much, since it isn't what or who you love that matters, but how much you love it.

[Shock]

Well that was depressing.

I’ve watched one documentary on the series that suggests or just outright says this was the egghead nerd writers finally putting lothario Sam in his place after all these years. It’s been too long since I’ve seen the final seasons though. The show is never on TV anymore, near as I’ve seen.

Without necessarily disputing this thesis, I'll note that the article makes one mistake -- Sam's penultimate line isn't an exact quote of Lou Gehrig's line, but rather the more profane, "Boy, I tell you, I'm the luckiest son of a bitch on earth." And that Norm's discussion with him suggests that it's okay that Sam loves his bar this much, since it isn't what or who you love that matters, but how much you love it.

The article writer also couldn't even be bothered to spell Gehrig's name right. Not sure I agree with him regardless. I think he's projecting his own prejudices onto Sam and not necessarily what Sam was actually feeling. But I haven't seen any Cheers in a long time so I couldn't say for sure.

[Ares]

It's kind of funny. I used to watch Frasier pretty regularly for the longest time, but I don't know that I've seen an entire episode of Cheers from start to finish. I've seen clips of it, I know about it via pop culture osmosis, but I never really watched the show at all, and thus have no real personal affection for it. The Frasier writers did such a good job making the series its own thing (they didn't reference Cheers very often) that I didn't find out until later that it was a spin off of another show.

[Jabroniville]

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
---

Sam: What're ya up to, Norm?
Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.

---

Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Yeah, Norm, how come you and Vera never had any kids?
Norm Peterson: I can't, Coach.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: Gee, I'm sorry Norm.
Norm Peterson: I look at Vera, and I just can't.

NORM PETERSON
Played By: George Wendt
Role: The Alcoholic, Lazy Fat Guy
PL 2 (25), PL 3 (25) Alcoholic
STRENGTH 1 STAMINA 0 AGILITY -1
FIGHTING 1 DEXTERITY 0
INTELLIGENCE 1 AWARENESS 1 PRESENCE 2

Skills:
Deception 3 (+5)
Expertise (Computers) 2 (+3)
Expertise (Accountant) 1 (+2)
Expertise (Interior Designer) 4 (+5)
Expertise (Alcoholic) 12 (+13)

Advantages:
None

Powers:
"Wall of Fat" Protection 2 [2]

Offense:
Unarmed +1 (+1 Damage, DC 16)
Initiative -1

Defenses:
Dodge +0 (DC 10), Parry +1 (DC 11), Toughness +2, Fortitude +0, Will +2

Complications:
Addiction (Alcohol)- An attempt to cut him off once nearly resulted in a stabbing. Okay, that was on The Simpsons, but it could totally have happened.
Responsibility (Cheers)- Norm spends almost as much time there as Sam does, and Sam WORKS THERE.
Rivalry (Vera, Wife)- Norm avoids his wife desperately, though there are a few indications that he actually doesn't mind her, and is horrified by the idea of losing her. He'd just rather nobody know about it.
Relationship (Cliff Clavin)- The two have sat next to each other for years, though they often just mock each other.
Responsibility (Lazy)- It's implied that Norm has talent and could go places... but he'd rather just sit on his ass and drink beer instead.

Total: Abilities: 10 / Skills: 22--11 / Advantages: 0 / Powers: 2 / Defenses: 2 (25)

-Oh Norm. Only on TV can a hardcore alcoholic be an extremely funny character. Of course, he was rarely seen actually drunk, but he sure as hell could put them away (there's a great episode where he's trying to avoid looking like a lush in front of his new boss, but when they have their "one beer", he simply tips his mug back and downs the ENTIRE THING in one gulp!). Pretty much a funny gag character most of the time, he had the occasional bouts of seriousness and grandeur (such as when he beat up his hard-assed boss for taking liberties with Diane). His one-liners and answers upon walking into the bar (always to a rousing cry of "NORM!"... and Diane's late "Norman!") are classic TV gags, and a great recurring thing. The writers point out that these were probably the hardest things to write in the show. Nonetheless, Norm was probably the most popular and most iconic character of the show.

-Wendt didn't really have the career most of the rest of the cast did, but I recall seeing him on a lot of short-run Sitcoms. But I mean, there's not THAT many jobs available for a big, chunky older guy in Hollywood. He was last seen on Frasier... still being an old drunk. Naturally, he fit right in with Martin.

-Norm's slightly tougher than a fat, out-of-shape guy would be expected to be, and God Forbid you get between him and his beer. He's a half-decent accountant, interior decorator (later seasons), and the greatest Beer Taster their ever was, able to detect a bad vat from a single sip of a bottle.

[Jabroniville]

One funny bit featured Diane getting jealous of the adulation Norm gets when he enters the bar. Hurt, she asks the patrons to give her an equal reaction when she comes in. She leaves, then opens the door.

Diane: “evening, everyone!”
Everyone: “NOOORRRRRRMMMM!”

[Ken]

I've been in bars where the only present staff was the bartender. Just sayin'.

[Shock]

Norm was my favorite and it was 95% because of the opening one-liners. I would guess that more than anyone, he got typecast because of his role and it was probably just due to "NORM!" On the other hand, even though he never had another big role, it looks like he had lots of little ones. And with residuals from Cheers, that was probably more than he needed.

[Ken]

One of the few episodes I can recall where Sam gets into it with a non-regular (maybe a semi-regular) about who is a more successful player. They get into a "who can collect phone numbers from more women" contest. At the end of the night, the other guy technically wins as he has more numbers.

Sam doesn't mind because he's leaving the bar for the night with three women on his arms.

[Davies]

Rivalry (Vera, Wife)- Norm avoids his wife desperately, though there are a few indications that he actually doesn't mind her, and is horrified by the idea of losing her. He'd just rather nobody know about it.

Vera makes a single on-camera appearance in one episode -- with her face completely covered up by a pie that someone threw -- and lends her voice to a few others. She was played by Bernadette Birkett, George Wendt's real-life wife, to whom he's still married.

[Jabroniville]

"A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, the slow and weak at the back are killed first. The speed and health of the herd keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. Naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

CLIFF CLAVIN
Played By: John Ratzenberger
Role: Know-Nothing Know-It-All, Utter Loser
PL 0 (14), PL 1 (14) Saves
STRENGTH 0 STAMINA 0 AGILITY 0
FIGHTING 0 DEXTERITY 0
INTELLIGENCE 0 AWARENESS 0 PRESENCE -1

Skills:
Deception 4 (+3)
Expertise (Pop Culture) 2 (+2)
Expertise (History) 2 (+2)
Expertise (Science) 1 (+1)
Expertise (Trivia) 10 (+10) -- Flaws: Limited to Useless Information
Expertise (Mail Carrier) 6 (+6)

Advantages:
"Little-Known Fact" Well-Informed

Offense:
Unarmed +0 (+0 Damage, DC 15)
Initiative +0

Defenses:
Dodge +0 (DC 10), Parry +0 (DC 10), Toughness +0, Fortitude +0, Will +2

Complications:
Addiction (Little-Known Facts)- Cliff ALWAYS has one.
Reputation (Know-Nothing Know-It-All)- Everybody knows that most of Cliff's Facts are utter crap.
Reputation (Loser)- Sam is so mortified that his fiancee once slept with Cliff that he IMMEDIATELY breaks off the relationship. Even FRASIER, who ALSO slept with her, agreed with the assessment and was beside himself with disgust. "I can't believe I slept with a woman who slept with CLIFF."
Phobia (Girls)- Cliff stutters and gets highly nervous around women.
Relationship (Mother)- Cliff is weirdly-obsessed with his mommy, with whom he lives.
Responsibility (The U.S. Postal Service)- Attack them at your peril.
Enemy (Carla)- Cliff thinks they're merely vitriolic pals like everyone else at the bar. Carla REALLY hates him.

Total: Abilities: -2 / Skills: 20--10 / Advantages: 1 / Powers: 0 / Defenses: 5 (14)

-Little-Known Fact: John Ratzenberger auditioned for the role of Norm. Upon realizing that he'd likely bombed the audition, Ratzenberger turned around and asked the writers, "Hey, do you guys have a Bar Know-It-All yet?". They were confused, but he pointed out how there's ALWAYS one of those guys in every bar- guys who think they know everything and wanna boast to everyone around about some random information or the proper way to do things (this is particularly common in online communities, where the slightest error is responded to with a sharp correction, usually puncuated by "ACTUALLY--").

-Ratzenberger then proceeded to rattle off a smattering of useless trivia, which impressed the writers so much that a few days later, his agent got the phone call that he was now playing "Cliff Clavin". He debuted early as mostly a rarely-speaking Extra, but soon got more lines, and became a full cast member before long, as he always knocked his character out of the park. He & Norm are one of the great comic duos because of it, despite rarely moving from their famous stools- Cheers bars would actually use likenesses of them.

-Cliff's a weakling and a coward, but has a deep repository of useless facts and skills at his beck and call. He's a great mailman, and good at Useless Trivai. And he can break some boards with his head to prove himself to the entire bar (and a particularly nasty bully), but would require immediate hospitalization as a result (and have to be carried up the stairs by a tiny woman).

[Jabroniville]

CARLA TORTELLI
Played By: Rhea Pearlman
Role: Cantankerous Shrew
PL 4 (47)
STRENGTH 1 STAMINA 2 AGILITY 1
FIGHTING 5 DEXTERITY 0
INTELLIGENCE 0 AWARENESS 1 PRESENCE 0

Skills:
Athletics 2 (+3)
Deception 7 (+7)
Expertise (Streetwise) 4 (+4)
Expertise (Waitress) 5 (+5)
Insight 3 (+5)
Intimidation 7 (+7)
Perception 4 (+5)

Advantages:
All-Out Attack, Close Attack 2, Daze (Intimidation), Fast Grab, Improved Initiative, Power Attack, Startle

Offense:
Unarmed +7 (+1 Damage, DC 16)
Initiative +5

Defenses:
Dodge +2 (DC 12), Parry +5 (DC 15), Toughness +2, Fortitude +3, Will +3

Complications:
Responsibility (Fertile)- Carla has a true Catholic's womb- seven kids and counting.
Enemy (Cliff Clavin)- Carla hates Cliff so much, that when Frasier inadvertently convinced Cliff not to move away, Carla nearly murdered the Doc.
Rivalry (Diane Chambers)- Carla has little patience for Diane's condescending ways, or incompetence at her job.

Total: Abilities: 20 / Skills: 30--15 / Advantages: 8 / Powers: 0 / Defenses: 4 (47)

-Carla is something you rarely see on Network TV nowadays- an authentically unattractive woman. Nowadays, pretty much every single woman on television is either ungodly gorgeous or AT WORST pretty (their husbands are usually the slovenly, fat ones), but back then, sitcoms OFTEN featured old ladies, fourty-something uggos, and fat chicks. Carla was funny as the resident Jerkass vindictive bitch of the workplace, ripping on absolutely everyone except Sam (and even he got it sometimes, though she respected him). Her relationship with Diane was the funniest (she REALLY hated Diane), but Cliff kind of picked up the enemy-slack in the later seasons.

-I get a kick out of the story Ken Levine told of what happened to her husband. The actor, while doing a radio interview, quipped that working on the show was "I get hazard pay for having to kiss Rhea Pearlman!" Guess who was listening? Hence, the character was immediately killed off. Despite Carla's looks, she has little problem meeting men. Just deadbeats and awful dudes, though.

-Carla's one of the most dangerous of the Cheers cast as a background civilian, especially if a villain's looking for an 'easy' hostage. A cranky Italian woman with a dozen kids and a horde of exes is NOT the kind of person you want to be pissing off under any circumstances.

[Grenzer]

This is particularly common in online communities, where the slightest error is responded to with a sharp correction, usually punctuated by "ACTUALLY--").

And now you know why I stopped posting on this thread regularly. I was looking at some of my posts and could practically feel a mustache sprouting on my upper lip and a postal worker's uniform wrap over me... And I so very much wanted to weigh in on Shelley Long's departure from the show too.


But regarding Cliff, having never watched Cheers that much growing up, I saw John Ratzenberger in a variety of commercials (including one for a game called Balderdash) often playing Cliff or a pastiche of him and thought the character was supposed to be some sort of wit who was good at confusing people. Only years later did I learn he was a weirdo who was reviled in-show and perhaps the greatest loser in TV sitcom history. Oops, well at least Ham is still cool.

[Jabroniville]

This is particularly common in online communities, where the slightest error is responded to with a sharp correction, usually punctuated by "ACTUALLY--").

And now you know why I stopped posting on this thread regularly. I was looking at some of my posts and could practically feel a mustache sprouting on my upper lip and a postal worker's uniform wrap over me... And I so very much wanted to weigh in on Shelley Long's departure from the show too.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! But I liked reading your essay-length posts full of additional info! It's okay to DISAGREE- I just draw the line at the "Um, ACTUALLY" stuff. Now I demand your take on Shelley Long leaving .

[Jabroniville]

Coach: [answers the ringing telephone] Cheers... Yeah, just a sec.
Coach: [to everyone in the bar] Is there an Ernie Pantusso here?
Sam: That's you, Coach.
Coach: [to the person on the phone] Speaking.

COACH (Ernie Pantusso)
Played By: Nicholas Colosanto
Role: The Dumb Guy, Father-Figure
PL 0 (1), PL 1 (1) Saves
STRENGTH 0 STAMINA -1 AGILITY -1
FIGHTING 0 DEXTERITY 0
INTELLIGENCE -2 AWARENESS -2 PRESENCE 2

Skills:
Expertise (Baseball Coach) 5 (+3)
Expertise (Bartender) 5 (+3)
Persuasion 4 (+6)

Advantages:
None

Offense:
Unarmed +0 (+0 Damage, DC 15)
Initiative -1

Defenses:
Dodge +0 (DC 10), Parry +0 (DC 10), Toughness -1, Fortitude -1, Will +2

Complications:
Reputation (Clueless)- Coach does not understand sarcasm.
Responsibility (Cheers)
Relationship (Daughter)- Cliff adores his daughter.

Total: Abilities: -10 / Skills: 14--7 / Advantages: 0 / Powers: 0 / Defenses: 5 (1)

-Coach was a pretty funny character in the first few seasons of "Cheers", being a pretty baseline comedic character- The Dumbass. He didn't get the simplest jokes, always took sarcasm at face value, went to a different family's Reunion because he didn't want to "seem rude" by rejecting an accidentally-mailed invitation, etc. He's used perfectly in an episode with Harry the Hat- a con-man who always wins- Harry effortlessly fools Coach & others, but Coach works with another con-man to fool Harry in a game of cards... but screws up the plan and the man loses a fortune. Infuriated, the man storms out and insults Coach while cries and everyone feels bad... and then Coach starts laughing and reveals that he & Harry had teamed up on the guy! Coach used his lack of intelligence as a weapon!

-His death early on (Colosanto was unfortunately beset by heart problems for years beforehand) led to being written out and replaced by the similarly-dumb Woody character, but his presence was still kinda missed as the beloved older guy. Me, my favourite moment ever is when his somewhat homely daughter begs him to realize that she's not as beautiful as he thinks she is, only for him to tell her she looks exactly like her mother, who was the most beautiful woman ever to him. That scene is like an emotional freaking SLEDGEHAMMER, and proof that some of the best "sad moments" and "sweet moments" come from comedy, because you expect it less than some flat-out dramatic thing. I mean, Coach's FACE when his daughter tries to tell him her mom wasn't pretty...

-Coach isn't much of anything statted up- he's really just an old man who's ALSO really dopey. Pretty much the antithesis of someone with a plus-side.