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The Many Noodly Adventures of Agrippina (Aggie) Edwige Heterodyne. In No particular order or reason
Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2016 2:33 pm
In which Aggie Meets Deadpool
Once upon a time there was a little princess, the pride and joy of the kingdom. No wait. Fuck that. This ain't a fairy story, where the little brat meets her prince and they make with the whoopee and raise fat babies in perpetuity. Nah. This story has mad science, gratuitous violence and plenty of explosions. Not to mention decapitations. Love those.
BRING THE NOISE!
“Shut up Deadpool!”
“Listen Daphne, I'm given the readers the plot.”
“Name's Aggie,” the red-headed teen grumbled.
“Yeah, stop getting kidnapped so much.” the red-suited merc with a mouth scratched his head. “Oh yeah, that hasn't happened yet.”
“Oh for pete's sake!” Aggie humphed as she looked at the wreckage of her beloved junkyard, flames licking up the mag-winch. “You owe me a new junkyard!”
“You won't miss it, come on.” he pulled her out of the flaming wreck and past a bunch of suits and cops, whistling merrily as he did so.
Concerning the Courtship Traditions of Sparks
Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2016 2:33 pm
Aggie looked at the heart nailed to the emergency exit of the Bus and rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet.
"Did anybody see who did this?" She asked.
"Strangely enough no." Coulson said. "I'm increasing security. Do you know what this is about?"
"Well. In my family, nailing a heart to the door, usually means the person doing the heart nailing wants to initiate courtship to somebody in the household. If it had been a severed head, that would mean the initiation of hostilities." she smiled. "Somebody here has an admirer!"
"But who?" Coulson asked.
"Usually the guys do the heart nailing." Aggie said cheerfully. "So it's probably either me or Nightwing, as we're the only two unattached girls here."
"No, I mean, do you know who did the heart nailing?" Coulson asked.
"Nope! Tradition also says that once you nailed the heart to the door, you have to carry off your paramour to initiate the courtship. And tradition also says you gotta make it as hard as possible for the guy doing the carrying off! This is going to be fun!"
"Wait, so Doom?" Coulson ventured.
"Nope. He went straight for the kidnapping attempts and coercion. He's also into world domination and has terrible taste in minions. Thanks, but no. Just.... No." Aggie shuddered.
"No, this." she grinned as she looked at the work. "This shows care. Look at how neat the cut marks are. And whoever did this was sneaky enough to slips through security. That shows skill and class." the girl looked thoughtful.
"Triple the security. I'll upgrade the security cameras so they can see in the infra-red spectrum. No wait, you already got that. So we'll have to go with Ultra-violet light... Maybe sound waves...." she hummed to herself as she sent her clanks to upgrade the cameras.
On Weaponizing Poetry and how Aggie's would make a Vogon blush
Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2016 2:33 pm
“Power? Everyone says I have power.” Aggie shook her head. “I make a great cup of tea and nifty weapons, but that doesn't mean I have power.”
“You made a bunch of horrors back off earlier.” Steve noted.
“Yeah. That doesn't have anything to do with power. It has everything to do with poetry slam night.” she snorted. Remember the guy eating himself?”
“I won first place that night.” Aggie said proudly.
“Because everyone else ran screaming.” Radar shook his head. "Poor guy was too big to escape, so he began eating himself to make himself smaller so he could." Radar looked thoughtful. "He couldn't stop."
"I now judge." Aggie grinned.
"It's safer for everyone." Radar agreed.
On World Domination and the Dark Side
Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2016 2:34 pm
"You do realize, that 'world domination is beyond stupid. Even if you manage to accomplish it and become a mini Palpatine, holding onto it is going to be really, really hard. Not only will you have to deal with the resulting malcontents on earth, but you'll also have to deal with the other Sith and tin-pot dictators knocking on your door and trust me, they're out there."
"Then comes the niggly details on how you're going to run everything. First you gotta put people in place that won't muck things up too badly, either through greed or incompetence and you gotta deal with reams of paper work. Not to mention keeping a tight watch on the idiots you did put in place to handle the day to day affairs of the entire world. Which drastically cuts into the fun stuff you used to enjoy."
"In other words. Ruling a planet might seem nifty on the surface, but in reality it's a massive migraine waiting to happen. I prefer fun time in the laboratory than ruling any day of the week." Aggie told the man.
"Besides, I'm already a part-time side kick to a psycho that doesn't like to share with other psychos. It's a thing." she grinned. "And I'm currently a part-time side kick to super-heroes that wouldn't like me being a Sith apprentice. So. Not interested."
On how to have a near-death experience. Involving dragons
Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2016 2:34 pm
"Deadpool, what are you doing!" Aggie shrieked.
"Landing!" Deadpool retorted.
"That's not landing, that's using the ship as a the launchee from a trebuchet!" she noted. "And we're still in it!"
"Not a lot of options. Big, bad, seven-headed bitch on PMS in front of us." Deadpool retorted wrenching the controls and diving straight at the monster dragon. "Get into the escape pod!"
"What about you?!" She said as he shoved her into the afore mentioned pod. when she proved unwilling to do so.
"HOLD ONTO YOUR CORSET!" he yelled as he hit the button, sealing the single-occupancy pod and launching it from the ship.
"Damnit Wade!" she howled as the escape pod landed rather hard on the ground, knocking her unconscious
"Music to my ears." He grinned as he turned his attention to the viewscreen. "Eat metal you chromatic bitch!"
Then there was nothing but white.
Wade floated rather comfortably on a cloud. In front of him was Death, who handed him a beer "Well darling, we meet again, hmmm?"
"Hey my bony buttercup. How's it hanging?" he took the bottle and chugged it down.
"However brief our meetings, our partings are so much sadder." She agreed. "You did well though, had Tiamat come through, she would have brought nothing but weal and woe to Earth."
"Yeah, kinda figured that." he sighed as he felt the familiar tug that would soon bring him back to painful reality. "At least the kid made it out ok."
"She's now having a tea party with Sheggorath and Delirium." Death chuckled.
"Ah kids today. Robots, tea parties, mad gods and high explosives." he scratched his head. "So. About us."
"Mmm..." Death leaned forward to kiss him, but he woke up.
And hated it.
"Rotten, !@#$%%" he shouted as he tried to put himself together in the midst of a flaming wreck of a ship.
Jacking space ships should be an Olympic sport
Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2016 2:35 pm
"That's a space ship." Aggie noted.
"It's got guns." Deadpool pointed to the turrets.
"I've never been to Venus." Aggie remarked as she took out her gun.
"Pluto!" Deadpool shouted as he ran to the nearest alien and did what he did best.
"Uranus!" Aggie shouted as she took out another alien with a well placed blast.
Pretty soon, there were a lot of dead aliens and an empty ship. "I'm flying!" Deadpool shouted as they raced up the gangplank.
"No way!" Aggie said stoutly as they heard incomprehensible howls coming from the jungle behind them. Then the hatch closed and they were in a ship. A star ship. The universe was their oyster.
Aggie cursed as Deadpool turned the thing on and shot off making the ship do a loop-de-loop on the way out of the atmosphere.
In which our heroes find out who nailed the heart to their door.
Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2016 2:35 pm
"Your madness and my madness are two totally different madnesses, that are not compatible in the least." Aggie protested as she strained against the bindings keeping her in the chair.
"Like you have a choice toots." Harley giggled, training her gun on the girl.
"No. Toot is right behind you. I'm Aggie."
There was a bright, cheerful tooting sound, which made the madwoman whirl around. "What tha,"
Harley screamed as something went 'pop', then 'foosh' and she dropped to the floor with her costume on fire and started rolling, trying to smother the flames.
"Toot, quit playing around and get me outta here!" she commanded and the little clank separated into another clank, this one armed with bolt cutters and they went about freeing the girl.
"I'll take that!" Aggie said as she picked up the discarded gun (her gun dangit!) and left the room, her clanks swarming protectively around her.
Toot, piped up at the girl. "No, we aren't killing her, Nightwing and the Captain wouldn't like it. That's why I changed the formula so that your flame thrower only effects non-living things." she grinned. "It's an effective distraction though I'd say." she scowled as she tried to figure a way out of the Joker's death trap without having an up close and final meeting with Deadpool's girlfriend.
"I was so hoping for the Addams family to have done the heart nailing." she sighed. If wishes were fishes...
The little clank tooted mournfully.
"Yes, I know you like the smell of frying flesh in the morning, but most people in this world kinda don't." Aggie remarked as she peaked around a corner and rapidly pulled her head back as a bullet and it's friends whizzed by her head.
Toot twittered hopefully at her mistress. "I know they're trying to kill us! You can't turn their insides out! That would be lethal!"
Toot sounded like a child hitting all the cords on a xylophone. "Can't you know, knock them out or something? No killing." she sighed as Toot scolded her. "Fine, you can maim them. Nothing permanent though. No limbs torn from bodies or eyeballs poked out."
The little robots made a 'whee' sound and shot out from behind the wall and converged on the mooks who shrieked in pain as they were pummeled into unconsciousness. Afterwards, the little clanks cheerfully tied the mooks up with metal they pulled from somewhere and reformed into shackles. For that homey touch they surely missed from their home-realities.
"You know, maybe I should change the flame thrower formula..." Aggie muttered.
Toot whistled in cheerful agreement.
The Castle basement is... Scary.
Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2016 2:35 pm
"So let me get this straight, you're related to Yog Sohoth and Cthulu." Coulson asked incredulously. "Forgive me, but you look very human to me."
"Yup. I think I'm related to at least half the Deep Ones and a lot of the Elder gods through marriage. At least that's what I've learned through studying the old book of family relations." she shrugged. "It's where the madness comes in handy. The family reunions tend to happen in the castle basement."
"Dare I ask, why?"
"It's homey to them." Aggie said dryly, as if that explained everything.
Maybe it did at that.
On how the right speech can stymie and free bad guys.
Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2016 2:36 pm
"So let me get this straight, she made a speech while Doom was casting some sort of protection spell on them and that freed an Elder Brain?" Cedric asked incredulously.
"Well, it was a great speech sir." Coulson deadpanned as he handed in his latest report. Cedric went for the Tums and Alieve again.
On the concept of S.H.A.R.I.N.G.
Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2016 2:37 pm
On the concept of S.H.A.R.I.N.G.
"She did what?!!" Cedric shouted.
"In order to secure Doom's help, she promised him equal access to the Watchtower. After reviewing the footage from the security cameras, I believe that agreement was instrumental in saving it from having to be destroyed." Coulson explained. "By opening it to all of Earth's defender's, we will have to include Doom, since technically, he is a defender of Earth." the man said dryly.
"If only to preserve it for himself."
"That girl is going to be the death of me." Cedric groaned as he downed a tumbler full of ginger ale, along with some rather strong anti-acid pills.
"On the plus side, she and Doom agreed to a peace treaty between their respective governments." Coulson added helpfully.
Of scarecrows and the nature of fear
Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2016 2:38 pm
The mist swirled around her, infusing everything with mind bending horrors. Chairs became teeth chomping on peoples backsides, the soup started talking back to the diners and the ornate lighting fixture dripped blood.
The beautiful pictures, once mere wall-art became heart stopping scenes of horror and the walls bulged unnaturally as if a thousand hands were crawling up and down the inside of the wood. Everywhere around her, people took on the faces of those she feared most and that which scared her out of her wits.
Aggie closed her eyes, fighting the urge to scream and cower and flop around like a maniac and managed to win by the seat of her pantaloons. Well, not really. She considered, this was no worse than the basement of her own home, so she did what she would do in similar situations.
She laughed and weaved her way past the panicking crowd towards the goon with a scarecrow gunny-sack on his head.
"JC, JC, JC." she said, wagging her finger at the man. "You are a naughty monkey. No cookies for you, not even oatmeal raisins."
"Ah. The madgirl." he looked at her. "Why isn't the gas affecting you?"
"It is." The girl twirled around. "But I'm mad you know. Mad as a hatter, batshit insane. Did you not realize that fear affects everyone differently? Especially when one is already nuts."
"And that should worry me how?"
"Because. Because. Because. Becaaause." she sang, holding out her hand.
In it was a miniature clank with a steam-punk inspired baby-rattle.
"Turn this off, release the antidote." the girl said calmly. "Or, I will order my little friend here to show you your insides while you're still alive. The entire process is quite entertaining while you are under the influence of mind-altering drugs. Perhaps you'll live through the process. Are you willing to find out? I am."
The man looked curiously at her. "You mean it."
Her grin widened. "I'm mad. Of course I mean it."
That's when the bat-shaped smoke grenade went off and something knocked her unconscious.
Later she woke, feeling dizzy, but clear-headed enough. "What happened?"
"You got a full dose of Crane's fear gas." Nightwing told her. "I couldn't let you do what you were planning, so I knocked you out."
Aggie closed her eyes, letting the world steady around her. "Thanks. I think." she said with a gulp of cleansing air. "That... Was as scary as the basement during a family reunion. I thought the walls were going to eat me."
"Remind me to never let you get that scared again." Nightwing joked. "Or to let you meet the Joker for that matter." Nightwing shuddered.
"Already met Harley." Aggie grinned. "Set her clothes on fire and Toot did bad things to her minions."
On What Really Matters. Or conversations with a Sith Lord
Posted: Sun Nov 13, 2016 12:27 am
The young girl in the outrageous outfit bowed formally to the Emperor. "Thank you my lord for granting this audience." she said, as a small clank presented her with data pad. "Consider this a gift from the people of earth, to aid in the protection of the Empire against a common enemy." she said as she held it out to the sith lord. An attendant took it from her and handed it to him.
"And what is that enemy?" the wizened wizard rasped, keen eyes boring down on her.
"Chaos my lord. To put it bluntly, in this new realm we find ourselves, such things that were once mere philosophical concepts take on a new and very dangerous reality. The beings that dwell in that dimension are purely malevolent and consider us to be nothing more than a meal. They can't be reasoned with, they don't care about good or evil, light or dark. We're all equally tasty to them and they aren't picky on how we're prepared either."
He considered her words and though he didn't probe deeply, he knew she wasn't lying or exaggerating in the least. "And why are you approaching us? Your planet welcomes Jedi."
"We're also not stupid. In order to survive this, we're going to need all the allies we can get our hands on." Aggie said bluntly. "Even if you refuse us, with that data I just gave you, we'll all stand a fighting chance. The only thing I'm asking right now is for you to start mass producing those weapons and get them to as many people as possible." she rocked back on her feet. "The weapons are anti-chaos ray guns, you can of course name them however you like."
"I also included ideas on how to give this lovely toy of yours some options." She grinned evilly. "While a planet destroying weapon is nice, super-sizing the anti-chaos ray so that it can engulf entire planets is even better. You kill the monsters, but can keep the planet and all of it's resources."
Palpatine laughed at the girl's viciousness. For a self-professed white-hat as she thought of herself, the girl had a definite dark streak that was just begging to be cultivated. He considered her thoughtfully. She'd make a lovely sith witch. But for now...
"Very well, we will consider your offer. In the mean-time, consider yourself a guest of the Empire." he nodded to some red-robed guards who moved to flank the small teenager. "These men will escort you to your rooms where your friends are waiting for you. You will be free to communicate with your planet, though of course you will be under guard and escort while you remain here."
"Thank you my lord." the girl bowed again and escorted out.
Palpatine laughed to himself as he leaned back in his throne. This new universe was indeed marvelous. Plans were coming together, ones that suited him perfectly.
Madness, sheer madness
Posted: Sun Nov 13, 2016 12:43 am
"Okay. So why are we here anyway?" Spider-man asked the girl dryly. "I mean this is the freaking DEATH STAR!"
"I'm aware of that." Aggie said tiredly. "We're here because they're the nearest known space-faring government, even if it is fractured at the moment and ruled by an evil psycho." she knew they were being monitored and already took care of that. All the people monitoring them would hear was Barney Sing alongs. All they would see were old Teletubbie episodes. Yes, she did indeed enjoy indulging in the occasional bit of evil.
"We need every bit of fire-power they can provide us. Not to mention, the more people we can get the anti chaos ray guns out to, the more bad guys we won't have to personally deal with. Which is good for us and everyone around us."
"I still think it's a stupid idea. You said it yourself, the man is a psycho." Spider-Man noted.
Aggie rubbed the bridge of her nose. "He is however a relatively reasonable psycho, even if he'll try to turn us, kill us or do something equally regrettable. The only thing we'll have to do is keep 3 steps ahead of whatever he's planning."
"And how do you propose we do that?" Steel asked.
"By doing the unexpected. Evil thrives on indulging itself. We have to be the adults in this game." Aggie grumbled. "It's just like Spark politics back home."
"Only with the added bonus of having the evil guy being able to blow up our planet if we really piss him off." Super girl noted.
"Don't be silly. He knows darn good and well that there are any number of beings on Earth who would not take kindly to that notion and open this place up quicker than a raccoon knocking over a trashcan." she leaned back into her comfortable chair. "No, the real problem will be him playing us like fiddles. That's what we'll have to watch out for." she looked at him. "The movies may have been silly at times, but they aren't wrong on one thing. He's a master manipulator, that is his greatest power. Don't forget it. Ever."
"Joy." Spider-man threw up his hands at the madness of the situation.
"Don't loose hope." Aggie said. "We've come out of worse situations intact." she grinned.
"Will we be good or evil though?" Super-Girl asked.
"Good as apple pie with ice cream on top." Aggie assured her. "Because pineapple pie is just ridiculous."
Letters to friends
Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 2:29 pm
Hiya Deadpool, this is Aggie. I'm giving this letter to Delirium, since, she's the sister to Death and considering how many near death experiences you have, it'll get there faster than snail mail or trying to locate you any other way. Which is to say, I'm writing this in my mad place. Eh.
You'll be so proud! I have voices in my head now! They're black and green. Green is the more madcap one. I also shrunk a chaos behemoth down to pitbull size and an Obliterator to the size of a hobbit and destroyed a purple horror thing in a chaos dimension. Me and my newest batch of friends totally decimated them. It was great! You should have been there man, you'd have loved it! Ooo, we have a real Spider-Man on the team too. You'd totally geek out on that. And I piloted an Imperial shuttle. That was beyond cool.
Not so cool was having to deal with Doom. On the plus side we've now got a truce between us and have declared peace, however I still don't trust him further than I can spit. He doesn't give up so easily.
On the plus side, I also made friends with an elder Brain. Presumably after we freed him from Razzie's control, he's gone off to wreck havoc of his own. Or suck brains. I'm not sure. Anyway, we'll deal with that later if we have to.
On a happy note, I finally perfected the Bunny and field tested it. Worked well, but I'm going to have to add some options to it. It just sort of made the Obliterator blink. Nice explosion though. Against regular things it should turn them into little pieces. Which is good.
I also keep on having weird dreams about the Death Star. I dunno about that. Not exactly scary, but weird.
Anyway, on that note, I'm sending you some chimicagas and beer with this. Hopefully It'll wind up in the real world for you. Have lots of fun killing things!
Your favorite hostage,
Conversations in Hell
Posted: Wed Jul 12, 2017 10:50 pm
"Why do you like them so much? Heroes. I mean."
"They keep me grounded, so I don't go all woogie on people." she hummed. "It's not a good thing when a Spark goes woogie. Lots of screaming and explosions and bad things." she cocked her head at the demon.
"Not exactly scientific, woogie..." he smiled a little.
"Best way to describe me really out of control. I mean, mostly what people have seen is me having a minor spark-out. I can make reality do what I want it to do with a few bent wires and power source." she said sagely. "Now. You think you have the cards, but I have something you could really use and not something silly like a soul."
"Nothing is silly about souls child. They are the ultimate source of power." the demon said. "Souls and belief. They're key to everything."
"But you need a lock." the girl said. "I can provide you with the lock and the door to keep chaos out of your domains."
"What do you want in return for this gift?"
"Information. Rasputin or rather the thing that crawls beneath his skin. It approached you...."